"Every stage in a child's life is there for a purpose.  If we can respect and respond to a child's needs fully during each stage of his/her life, the child can be done with that stage and move on."  Naomi Aldort, writer

I have been reading a lot since our son was born almost a year ago and have been struck by the contrast in parenting styles offered.  Having considered this carefully I have found a style that suits us, in fact it supports what we were already doing.  Called 'attachment parenting' (a phrase coined by child expert and paediatrician, Dr William Sears), it is a philosophy based on the practice of nurturing parenting methods that create strong emotional bonds between the infant and parent(s).  It encourages responsiveness to the infant or child's emotional needs, and develops trust that their emotional needs will be met.  As a result, this strong attachment helps the child develop secure, empathic and enduring relationships.

Parents are encouraged to include some or all of the following 'ideals' in their parenting:

Preparation for childbirth

The best way to start becoming connected with your baby is to make a commitment to be informed and active in your baby's birth.  You can start before or during the pregnancy.  Choose to make informed decisions about the kind of birth you want that will create a positive experience for you and your baby and limit unnecessary intervention and separation.

Respond promptly to your baby's cries

Every baby comes wired with an ability to signal her needs.  Adults call this unique language the 'cry'.  Every mother also develops the 'wiring' necessary to receive her baby's signal.  This special communication network is designed for the survival of the baby and the development of the mother.  Crying is your baby's way of telling you that s/he needs something.  Promptly responding increases your sensitivity to your baby.  And remember, it is a good thing to pick up your crying baby - you won't spoil her; rather you will teach her that she can trust you to respond to her.

Breastfeed with child-led weaning

Breastfeeding encourages attachment and helps you take cues from your baby.  It encourages you to watch your baby for signs of needing food and comfort rather than watching the clock and counting ounces.  You and your baby will learn to know each other better and will be more in harmony with one another.  Breastfeed for comfort and not just for food.  Human milk is digested quickly and easily due to its unique composition.  Because of this uniquely human design, breastfed babies will need to feed frequently, both day and night, requiring mothers to stay close to their babies.

Weaning means 'to ripen'.  Life is a series of weanings - weaning from the womb, from the breast, from the parent's bed or cot, from home to school, from school to work.   As long as mother and baby both enjoy the breastfeeding relationship, then breastfeed until both of you are ready to stop.  It is helpful if parents can enter the breastfeeding relationship without any pre-conceived expectations of when a child should give up a certain need.  The rate at which babies develop physically and emotionally varies tremendously.  Imposing restraints on your child's source of security can have long-lasting effects on his physical and mental well-being.

Be open to trying various sleeping arrangements

In many cultures it is considered normal and expected for parents to share sleep with their children.  While some research has shown that sharing a bed can be a risk factor for SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), other research shows the contrary.  Babies will often give their parents cues as to where they want to sleep.  Some sleep best in their own rooms, others sleep best in a bed in their parent's room, others in their parent's bed.  Parents have varying preferences as well.  The sleeping arrangement whereby all three of you sleep best is the right one for your individual family.  'Safe' bed-sharing is advocated: where parents are not using cigarettes, drugs or alcohol, are not obese, and who have a firm mattress with bedding well tucked in.

Your baby trusts that you are open and receptive to the cues that he is giving you about where he needs to sleep.  You are also trusting yourself to respond to your baby's needs for a certain sleeping arrangement even though this may not be in accordance with the norms of your neighbourhood.  Welcoming your baby into your bed is just another part of a parenting style of trust and openness. 

Carry, hold or 'wear' your baby

Young babies have a need for a lot of physical contact with you.  'Wearing' your baby, by holding or using baby slings or front/back packs is a wonderful way to meet this need.  This allows busy parents more freedom to get things done while still offering their little ones the physical closeness they need.  Carried babies cry less and are more content, research shows, and will easily fall asleep with you close by.  Functioning together by day also makes it easier to function together by night.

Avoid frequent and prolonged separation from your baby

Keep separations down to a bare minimum when your baby is young and be responsive to your baby's need for your physical presence.  It has been found that long or frequent separations can cause your child to go through the stages of grief and can affect your child's attachment to, and trust in, you.  If separations are inevitable given your situation then help your child to gradually work towards them.  Continuity of care, and having a consistent, loving care-giver is the ideal.

Respect your child as an individual from the start

Today many parents push their babies and very young children to become 'independent' as soon as possible.  Within Attachment Parenting, however, parents respect each child's own special timetable for growing out of their early (and healthy) dependency needs. Children who are allowed to enter each new developmental stage as they are ready, as opposed to when others deem it time to wean, sleep through the night, eat solids or stay alone without their parents, would appear to be ultimately more self-confident and independent as older children and adults.

Positive discipline

Teach empathy through positive, non-violent methods of discipline and set limits for your baby or young child in a warm, loving manner.  Ideally the loving connection and responsiveness established in infancy should continue throughout childhood.  When babies and young children feel secure and nurtured they are less likely to engage in behaviours that many parents find annoying, such as whining, crying and clinging.  When you feel bonded with your baby and have learned to read her cues, you are better able to respond to what she is trying to tell you through her various behaviours.

Maintain balance in your family life

The key to avoiding parenting 'burn-out' is to maintain balance.  Remember to take care of yourself with healthy meals, quiet time and exercise.  Keep up contact with friends who can support and nurture your parenting experiences.

Dr Sears also warns against a parenting style he calls 'detachment parenting' and describes it as follows:

"This is a restrained style of parenting that warns parents against taking cues from their child.  The advocates of detachment parenting preach, 'Let the baby cry it out; he has to learn to sleep through the night', 'Don't be so quick to pick up your baby; you're spoiling her', 'Get your baby on a schedule; he's manipulating you', 'Don't let your baby in your bed; you're creating a terrible habit and you'll never get him out.'  Besides being full of negatives, this style of parenting also features quick and easy, 'one-size-fits-all' recipes for difficult problems.  For example, when a baby repeatedly awakens during the night, detachment parenting advises, "Let him cry one hour the first night, 45 minutes the second night, and by the third night he'll sleep through the night."

"Difficult problems in child rearing do not have easy answers.  Children are too valuable and their needs too unique and important to be made victims of this advice.  In my experience parents who practice detachment parenting are at risk of losing their intuition and confidence and are less likely to achieve those two important goals of parenting; knowing their child and helping their child feel right."

Attachment parenting is a way of thinking about your child and your relationship with her.  It is a belief that your child is to be trusted and that she knows what she needs at each developmental stage.  It is a willingness to be truly present for your child, both physically and emotionally.  It is a respect for the value of your role as parent and for the sensitive bond that the two of you share.  Experienced attachment parents who have seen their children through infancy and early childhood and beyond describe this gentle nurturing style as a completely fulfilling way of life.

Recommended Reading (and excerpts for this article taken from)

• 'Attachment Parenting: Instinctive Care for Your Baby and Young Child' Katie Allison Granju with Betsy Kennedy, R.N., M.S.N.
• 'The Baby Book', Dr William and Martha Sears R.N.
• 'Being There: The Benefits of a Stay-at-Home Parent' Isabelle Fox, Ph.D.
• 'Nighttime Parenting: How to Get Your Baby and Young Child to Sleep' Dr William SearsThe Discipline Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Better-Behaved Child from Birth to Age Ten Dr. William and Martha Sears R.N.
• 'The Birth Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Safe and Satisfying Birth' Dr William and Martha Sears R.N.

Recommended Websites

www.attachmentparenting.com

www.lalecheleague.org

www.naturalchild.com

www.empathicparenting.org

Sara Meade

Birth Wise Committee Member