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Birth Wise - Promoting Natural Birth |
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Nurturing Your Child - part II (from Newsletter #2, 2002)
"Every stage in a child's life is there for a purpose. If we can respect and respond to a child's needs fully during each stage of his/her life, the child can be done with that stage and move on." Naomi Aldort, writer To summarise, 'attachment parenting' is a way of thinking about your child and your relationship. It is a belief that your child is to be trusted and that he/she knows what they need at each developmental stage. It is a deliberate choice to be present for your child, both physically and emotionally. It is a respect for the value of your role as parent and for the sensitive bond that you share. Experienced attachment parents who have seen their children through infancy and early childhood and beyond describe this gentle nurturing style as a completely fulfilling way of life. But first a summary of the ideals of this method of parenting: § Prepare for childbirth by being informed and maintaining responsibility for your baby's birth § Respond promptly to your baby's cries as this will increase your sensitivity to and understanding of your baby § Breastfeed with child-led weaning. Feed for comfort, not just for food, and watch your baby, not the clock § Be open to trying various sleeping arrangements. Whatever works best for all of you is right for you. Where bed sharing is preferred, 'safe bed-sharing' is recommended § Carry, hold or 'wear' your baby - they need a lot of unrestricted, physical contact with you § Avoid frequent/prolonged separation from your baby as they need to have you close for their trust in you to develop § Respect your child as an individual with their own timetable for growing out of their early dependency needs § Discipline positively, through non-violent means and in a warm, loving manner § Maintain balance in your family life. Who Does It Suit Best?
From everything I have read, my personal observations of other parenting styles, and from my own experience I would suggest that this style of parenting suits adults who: § do not feel a baby is a threat to their way of life and can work around their baby's needs (i.e. can juggle other commitments); § expect, accept and like the idea that bringing a baby into the world means that life changes and that that's okay; § are confident in their ability to learn to discern and respond to their baby's needs; § are comfortable working things out as they go, rather than needing to know in advance exactly what to do at each step of the way; § have access to friends, support groups and family members who can encourage them and help them work things out as they go (everyone needs reassurance in whatever style of parenting they choose); § see their baby's crying as a natural way of asking for something (food, comfort, sleep, nappy-change, etc) rather than being wilful or demanding or 'disobedient' and finally, § treasure their baby as a desirable and wanted addition to their lives (rather than a nuisance or encumbrance stopping them doing what they want to do). Why Attachment Parenting Works Attachment parenting works because it respects the individual temperament of the child. Both members of the parent-child communication relationship participate in the development of each other's skills. A cue-giving child and a responsive parent bring out the best in each other. Some parents worry that caring for your child intuitively and sensitively puts the child 'in control'. This need not be the case. Seeing a baby's requests in control terms is only one way of viewing the world, and there are other ways as attachment parenting ideals suggest. "When children and babies feel secure and nurtured they have less cause to engage in behaviours that many parents find annoying, such as whining, crying and clinging. When you feel bonded with your baby and have learned to read her cues, you are better able to respond to what she is trying to tell you through her various behaviours." - Dr William Sears What's In It For Your Child?
Self Esteem The child who is the product of attachment parenting learns that his/her needs will be met consistently and predictably. The child learns to trust. Trust creates a feeling of 'I am a special person'. This is the emergence of your child's self-esteem; the feelings of 'significance' and 'rightness' that are so vitally important to the development of personality. Intimacy The child learns to bond to people, not things. The infant who is accustomed to being in arms, at breast, in Mummy and Daddy's bed is more likely to receive fulfilment from personal relationships, and become a child who forms meaningful attachments with peers, and in adulthood develop a deep intimacy with a mate. The child who is often left by himself in a swing, crib or playpen is at greater risk of seeking comfort in objects, and can have difficulty in developing interpersonal relationships. Nurturing Qualities The child learns to be sensitive and giving. The child who receives the attachment style of parenting learns to care for others with the sensitive and giving quality that he received from his parents. Discipline Because you know your child better you are able to read your child's behaviour more accurately and respond more appropriately. Many parents have found that this actually makes discipline easier to manage. Because your child feels right, they are more likely to act right, and to develop a healthy conscience. When punishment is required it is administered more appropriately because parent and child trust each other. Trust is the basis of authority and a trusted authority figure disciplines more effectively. Long-term Benefits Attachment parenting has long-term benefits too. The parenting style children grow up with is the one they are most likely to carry into their own parenting careers. Children often model the behaviour with other children they have experienced their parents using with them. For example, a twenty month old girl sees her newborn sister start to cry. She rushes to her mother and exclaims, "Mummy, baby cry. Pick up, rock-rock, nurse her Mummy!". The Pay-off At The End Of The Day
Does it make a difference? Does this style of parenting make you a better parent? Dr William Sears has been sharing these suggestions with his clients for over two decades and has practised them with his own family. He says: "Yes, it does make a difference. Parents who practice the attachment style of parenting know their child well. They are observant of their infant's cues, respond to them intuitively and are confident that their responses are appropriate. They have realistic expectations of their child's behaviour at various stages of development, and they know how to convey expected behaviour to their child. Their children are a source of joy. The feeling that the attachment style of parenting gives you and your child can be summed up in one word - 'harmony'." Initially it may sound tiring or overwhelming. This is because most of us come to parenthood steeped in the sterile, detached, 'don't pick the baby up if he cries', 'put the baby down with a bottle', 'he must sleep right through the night so ignore his cries' parenting culture in which we and our parents were raised. But babies and young children thrive better this way. A lot of us, perhaps unconsciously, know this. We sense that (no matter what some expert says) we should hold our babies more, we should be there for them during the night, we should nurse them when they simply need our loving touch. Parenting in a way that we can be sure meets our children's needs is actually very liberating. Dr Sears says, "There is great comfort in feeling connected with your baby. Attachment parenting is the best way we know to get connected." For me, it has been a great relief to step back from lots of unwanted and unnecessary advice and just respond to my son as his needs arise. Rather than thinking about what he should be doing, I appreciate that he is a unique individual with his own chemistry who will develop in his own way at his own rate. I respect him as a person and am really enjoying seeing him grow and develop, and me also in my relationship with him. I know that this time will pass very quickly and also that any difficulties are only temporary - that together as mother, father and son we can move successfully through to the next stage of his development. Recommended Reading (and excerpts for this article taken from)
Recommended Websites Sara Meade
Birth Wise Committee Member
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